Not quite sure why this strikes me as so funny & Onion-like - there's a joke (or several) in it for sure....

Election 2012: Mitt Romney Falling Further Behind In Human Relations

The Huffington Post | By Jon Ward Posted: 09/11/2012 2:59 pm Updated: 09/11/2012 5:00 pm

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/11/election-2012-mitt-romney_n_1874730.html

From the Corvallis Gazette-Times in Oregon:

"Watermelon feed to proceed 9/11 candlelight vigil"

http://www.gazettetimes.com/news/local/watermelon-feed-to-proceed-candlelight-vigil/article_531ba5f0-fad6-11e1-8ff5-001a4bcf887a.html

"Scientists cast doubt on the uncertainty principle"<br><br>http://www.rdmag.com/News/2012/09/General-Science-Scientists-Cast-Doubt-On-The-Uncertainty-Principle/

Many years ago, a good friend found this headline in the SF Chronicle:

Dead Singer Ill, Concert Canceled

from Tampa Bay Times:

SEPTEMBER 06, 2012
Pantsless Man Arrested at Sonic

ORANGE CITY -- Deputies arrested an Orange City man who they say was laying on top of a table outside of a Sonic restaurant naked and refused to put his clothes on, WKMG Local 6 reports.

According to Volusia County deputies, Adam Hunt, 40, was sleeping in the nude outside of the Sonic on Saxon Boulevard Sunday after hours on top of a table when he tried to bite another man, according to a witness who called 911 to report the incident.

In the 911 call, the caller said Hunt was "butt a** naked," tried to bite him and was being "belligerent." When deputies arrived and asked Hunt to put on his pants, he refused and said "take me to jail then," and tried to fight the deputy, according to the report.

"Boring woman arraigned on drug charges"
Note that Boring is a suburb (maybe exurb) of Portland, Oregon. You may have read recently that it has established a sister-city relationship with a Scottish village called Dull.
This is from the Oregonian; unfortunately it was a long time ago (back in the '70s), and I can't provide documentary evidence. (Actually, I suppose I could spend my retirement combing through the microfilm archive at the library, but...) But it's one I won't forget, at least not until I get Alzheimer's.

"Man say's it's too hot to fish"

A friend showed me this one from the Athens-Banner (Athens, GA).

http://onlineathens.com/stories/071611/oco_857876345.shtml

Do the headlines have to be current? If not, this is from May of this year on the Huffington Post:

"Muslim Baby Ordered Off Plane For Being On No Fly List".

I enjoyed the Wired headline a couple weeks ago: "Curiosity Does the Hokey Pokey, Prepares to Turn Itself Around" (http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/08/curiosity-wheel-arm/). It has lightness and humor at several levels.

sorry, i misunderstood the contest and created a headline rather than found one. Oh well, it was fun anyway and I am enjoying the other "real" contestants.

Republicans Repeal Reality in Bid to Prevent Government Overreach

Today, in near party line vote, House GOP members took the historic and unprecedented step of revoking time and space citing no mention of either in the US Constitution.

"If the founding fathers had meant for us to live in the third dimension, surely there would have been some mention of it," proffered John Boehner, Speaker of the House. "The laws of physics have been slow growing cancer on the American soul and it's time we cut it out.

"RNC Delegate Offended By Presence of ‘Mexican’ At Disney’s Epcot Center"

http://thinkprogress.org/election/2012/08/31/781511/rnc-delegate-offended-by-presence-of-mexican-at-disneys-epcot-center/

"Harvard students suspected of cheating...in Intro to Congress"

http://bangordailynews.com/2012/08/30/news/nation/harvard-students-suspected-of-cheating-in-intro-to-congress/

Are you still reading these? Here's a real one from yesterday:

"4H auction combines education, fundraising, fresh meat"

Read more here: http://www.adn.com/2012/08/29/2604627/4h-auction-combines-education.html#storylink=cpy

The Detroit Free Press must have an Onion headline writer working for them:

Carolyn Hax: Affair is over, but husband is still carrying torch (Detroit Free Press)

Bride-to-be plunges over falls during photo shoot (Detroit Free Press)

Drew Sharp: Time to stop 'Hoke-y Pokey' with Michigan's Fitz Toussaint (Detroit Free Press)

"Woman Takes Part In Search For Herself"
http://grapevine.is/News/ReadArticle/Woman-Takes-Part-In-Search-For-Herself
Original story here (Icelandic): http://www.mbl.is/frettir/innlent/2012/08/25/konan_enn_ofundin/

This Onion-y one comes from OTM's friends and colleagues at Slate.com :

Samsung Objects to ‘Apple v. Samsung,’ Thinks Patent Trial Should Be Called ‘Samsung v. Apple’

http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2012/08/01/apple_samsung_trial_samsung_objects_to_apple_v_samsung_gets_sign_changed_to_samsung_v_apple_.html

From the too-bland-and-trivial-to-be real genre:

New art gallery opens in West Oakland

http://www.times-standard.com/lifestyle/ci_21390417

(And that's an AP story - printed a few hundred miles from Oakland.)

"Lawmaker who thinks gays a threat to children crashes boat into children"

http://sdgln.com/news/2012/08/24/lawmaker-who-thinks-gays-threat-children-crashes-boat-children

"RNC Official: N.M. Governor ‘Dishonored’ Gen. Custer By Meeting With American Indians"

http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/08/susana_martinez_custer.php

"Farmer Bites Snake to Death"

http://www.newser.com/story/152736/farmer-bites-snake-to-death.html

"Rat that doesn't gnaw discovered"

http://www.artdaily.org/index.asp?int_sec=2&int_new=57305

This is it. The headline you've been waiting for. I legitimately laughed out loud.

"Lucky guy falls off cliff, misses NIckelback concert"

http://now.msn.com/man-falls-into-gorge-when-trying-to-sneak-into-nickelback-concert#scptm2

Carry on.

"Duck Race to End Racism."

http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2010/06/duck_race_to_end_racism.html

The headline to this one is pretty good, but this is the rare news item that reads like an Onion article from start to finish.
POOL SEX ROMP COMES TO BLOWS
http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/pool_sex_romp_comes_to_blows_mLKT23HE8LXoRN6Vk9P9qL

"Woman's buttocks grabbed in Palo Alto",
found at:
http://www.mercurynews.com/bay-area-news/ci_21369165/palo-alto-man-grabs-womans-buttocks-under-her-dress?source=rss

"JT draws up disaster plan to maintain tobacco output"
Kyodo news agency, The Japan Tomes, August 23, 2012
"Japan Tobacco Inc. has drafted a backup system to ensure global cigarette supplies if production is hit by a natural disaster ...."

Anything Michele Bachmann says.

"Rush Limbaugh Claims Hurricane Is an Obama Conspiracy to Cancel GOP Convention"

http://www.politicususa.com/rush-limbaugh-claims-hurricane-obama-conspiracy-cancel-gop-convention.html

'Face-kinis' all the rage on Chinese beaches
http://news.yahoo.com/photos/china-s-face-masked-swimmers-slideshow/

"Avril Lavigne Engaged to Nickelback's Chad Kroeger"

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20623133,00.html

Salt Lake Tribune Headline - August 21, 2012:

Souther Utah officials nix beaver transplants

As seen on the homepage of Yahoo:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/binge-drinking-students-happier-more-accepted-others-study-194406168.html

Binge-drinking students happier and more accepted than others: study

Recently seen on Medscape:
"News on Cancer Drug Fails to Raise False Hopes"
Apparently, readers complained that a review in local media of a new anticancer drug didn't have the usual buzz words promising radical progress in the war against cancer, and took the local paper to task for their lack of hype in the report!

here's another from ANC site:

Assange Tells Obama 'Do the Right Thing'

I swear they wrote that! I have a screenshot from my tumblr

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m910uePdbF1r2r1sho1_500.png

GOP Senate Candidate Akin Says Pregnancy ‘Rare’ in ‘Legitimate Rape’
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/gop-senate-candidate-akin-says-pregnancy-rare-in-legitimate-rape/

perhaps too "dark" for the onion to actually publish, but certainly worthy of an onion headline

http://www.kgw.com/news/Pot-legalization-big-topic-at-Seattle-Hempfest-166658366.html
Spot on!

Here's a great one, not sure if it is public radio-friendly: http://www.deadline.com/2012/08/ass-accidentally-shoots-self-in-ass-in-nevada-movie-theater-no-one-else-hurt/

My sister-in-law posted this on FB first, but I'm putting it here.

Stop the presses! "Ben from Salem visits Bensalem, PA"

http://www.salemnews.com/local/x2103324211/Ben-from-Salem-visits-Bensalem-Pa

Gerber Recalls Machetes Due to Laceration Hazard

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/08/16/4731508/gerber-recalls-machetes-due-to.html#storylink=cpy

"Cops: Man steals pot from police because 'it smelled so good'"

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/08/15/13295315-cops-man-steals-pot-from-police-because-it-smelled-so-good?lite

"Police said that back at the station, Thompson apologized repeatedly, telling police, “I just couldn’t help myself. That bud smelled so good.” He also reportedly told police he couldn’t believe he was in trouble for “taking a little bit of weed,” especially since he had stopped by to give them information."

http://english.peopledaily.com.cn/90882/7905233.html

Naked Guy Is Not Our Party Chief: Local Authority

Hair Salon Burglar Kept as Sex Slave, Fed Only Viagra

http://www.ksee24.com/home/Karate-expert-keeps-shop-burglar-as-sex-slave-for-three-days-125578858.html

BBC News (World) ‏@BBCWorld

Boy in #China freed after getting his head stuck between two pillars in a balcony. VIDEO http://bbc.in/OlqQwm

Norwegian driver hits bear after trying to avoid moose
http://bbc.in/OkWudh

PLAQUE MARKS CHICAGO SITE OF OBAMAS' 1ST KISS

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_OBAMAS_FIRST_KISS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

"Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine: Obama staged Aurora shootings"

http://www.salon.com/2012/08/16/megadeths_dave_mustaine_obama_stages_aurora_shootings/

"CHS students eat to feed the hungry"

http://www.briercrest.ca/bcast/news/article.aspx?id=1458

Moviegoer shoots himself in buttocks, apologizes, leaves theater

http://www.rgj.com/article/20120814/NEWS/120814029/Sparks-moviegoer-shoots-himself-buttocks-apologizes-leaves-theater?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE&gcheck=1&nclick_check=1

"Poll: Obama Leads Big Among Those Unlikely To Vote"

Talking Points Memo, Aug 15, 2012.

http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entry/poll-obama-leads-big-among-those-unlikely-to

I thought this headline was a reference to Jedi policemen:

In Police-Stop Data, Pockets Where Force Is Used More Often

From:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/16/nyregion/in-police-stop-data-pockets-where-force-is-used-more-often.html?_r=1&hp

"Anti-Jewish Leader Discovers Jewish Roots, Head Doesn't Explode"
AP, via Huffington Post, 8/14/12

Paul Ryan to Colorado supporters: I drive a truck. I used to work at McDonald’s. I like to camp. I’m you.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/paul-ryan-colorado-supporters-drive-truck-used-mcdonald-215354358.html

"Bill Gates kicks off search for toilet of the future"
From AFP through Yahoo.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/bill-gates-kicks-off-search-toilet-future-233951796.html

"Google Buys Newspaper Ad to Show Why Newspaper Ads Don’t Work"

http://mashable.com/2012/08/14/google-print-ad-shows-why-newspaper-ads-dont-work/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+mashable%2Fentertainment+%28Mashable+%C2%BB+Entertainment+and+Media%29

hang on a second, I didn't read the whole article! Both of those posts we from a fake news place, so that's why they sounded so good.

GOP Proposes School Funding Cuts, Claims Children Don’t Create Jobs

http://www.freewoodpost.com/2012/05/09/gop-proposes-school-funding-cuts-claims-children-dont-create-jobs/

Mitt Romney: “I was too important to go to Vietnam”

http://www.freewoodpost.com/2012/06/07/mitt-romney-i-was-too-important-to-go-to-vietnam/

Leader Of Anti-Semitic Party In Hungary Discovers He's Jewish

Lede: One of the leaders of Hungary's Jobbik Party, which the Anti-Defamation League says is one of the few political parties in Europe to overtly campaign with anti-Semitic materials, has discovered that he is himself a Jew.

Though I'm not sure how reliable this "NPR" organization is.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/08/14/158773637/leader-of-anti-semitic-party-in-hungary-discovers-hes-jewish?ft=1&f=1001

From Irish Times, December 20, 2011: Baby Jesus Found in Waterford.

I'm not sure if you'll count a headline from Gawker, but this one caught my eye:

http://gawker.com/5934400/butthole-tattoos-are-the-next-big-thing-[nsfw]

"Butthole Tattos Are the 'Next Big Thing' [NSFW]"

Boehner’s Office Says Obama Avoiding Personal Responsibility For Drought

http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entries/boehners-office-says-president-avoiding-personal-responsibility-for

I really, really, really wish I were making that up.

Walsh: Muslims “trying to kill Americans”
Exclusive: U.S. Rep Joe Walsh tells a town hall meeting that radical Islam has infiltrated the Chicago suburbs , from Salon.com

OR,

Republican congressman Joe Walsh says Muslims are 'trying to kill Americans' - video

US Republican congressman from Illinois, Joe Walsh, tells a town hall meeting that radical Islam is a 'real threat', much more now than just after 9/11. Walsh, speaking in Elk Grove Village, called for an end to political correctness in dealing with radical Islam, saying it had infiltrated the suburbs of Chicago, from the link http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2012/aug/09/republican-joe-walsh-muslims-kill-americans-video?newsfeed=true
The key information here is, this was on Thursday, August 9, FOUR days after the shooting at the Sikh temple, THREE days after the arson of a mosque in Joplin, Missouri. I wish I could laugh, but it is the-world-turned-upside-down.

"Has Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood Staged a Coup Against the Military?"

Read more: http://world.time.com/2012/08/12/has-egypts-muslim-brotherhood-staged-a-coup-against-the-military/#ixzz23R25IQiH

A coup against the military? How is that not a contradiction in terms?

(h/t Jeff Guhin)

From WMUR in Manchester, NH:

"Man eats cocaine in brother's butt, dies"

http://tinyurl.com/d93r26d

I was almost sure this was an onion article when I first saw it:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/man-attempts-set-world-record-fist-pumping-17-182511937.html

Headline: "Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight"

The lead: "A 34-year-old unemployed man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight."

(The publishers of several Internet "news" feeds -- including none other than Time Magazine, see http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/15/man-attempts-fist-pumping-world-record/?iid=nf-article-latest -- vigilantly monitored the story and subsequent developments as they unfolded).

I believe some Ohio print newspapers ran the story as well.

"Man With Parkinson’s Arrested For Not Appearing To Enjoy Olympic Event" http://bit.ly/MpgUDy Amazingly, NOT from @theonion